A few people have asked me lately how I went about building my self-esteem and self worth and I am happy to talk about that aspet of my life. For whatever reasons, I used to hate myself. I mean really hate myself, I honestly used to think that I was ugly, stupid and pathetic and while on the outside I appeared super confident, inside I was full of loathing and self-hatred. My life and my perception of myself changed when I began to see a counsellor, whom helped me to turn my life from what circumstances had shaped it to be into what I wanted it to be. I used to look at beautiful women in fantastic high heels and a sports car and long for such things, but I never dared to actually wear towering heels or own a hot looking car because my internal critic would tell me because I was so ugly I would look ridiculous in heels and a sports car and people would laugh at me. So I wore sensible shoes and drove a sensible car, all so I could be as invisible as possible so no one would notice me and therefore notice how ugly, stupid and pathetic I was.
Somewhere in my head I knew this was no way to live, yet I lived like that every day until I was around 30. Things started to change between my husband and I and I started to see my counsellor Lisa. Seeing a counsellor quite literally changed my life, she helped me go from a woman who only wore sensible shoes and hated herself to the very core, into a woman who only wears towering heels and loves and likes herself to the very core. It took so much work, soul churning, buckets of tear shedding work but I can now proudly say that my life is (cf and transplant aside of course) what I wanted it to be.
One of the first things that Lisa and I worked on was changing my inner dialogue. The way I used to speak to myself in my head was so vile and disgusting that I would never speak to another human being in such a manner. 'You're disgusting, you're pathetic, you're nothing' were only a few that I am willing to repeat, most were much, much worse. Lisa asked me if I would ever speak to a 2 year old child like that and of course the answer was no, not in a million years. Lisa had me visualise myself as a 2 year old little girl and try to say those vile things to her. I couldn't do it, not even in the privacy of my own brain. So thats how I started. Everytime I went to speak to myself in such a manner, I pictured cute, little Kylie and try to say those things to her. At first sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't, then I started to notice that I was speaking to myself like that less and less each day. It took a long time, months and months of concerted effort, but eventually I realised that it just wasn't something I did anymore, it was gone from my behaviour.
That was just one of the first behaviours that Lisa helped me to change and later on I will tell you about more of them. And just in case you were wondering, I am now addicted to high heels and I did buy myself that sports car. And I looked hot in it everytime I drove it!
love
K
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