I Did It!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I successfully completed the 36 floor abseil to raise money for Save the Children - Australia dressed as Batgirl. It was a lot more daunting than I thought, 140 meters above the ground is quite a ways and I was glad that I wore the face mask because when I tried to look down whilst dangling there, the mask obscured my view and I couldn't see how far I could possibly fall! The entire thing was organised wonderfully and I was particularly impressed with the abseiling staff. They were all complete professionals and I felt so safe and secure under their capable guidance. Well, as safe as one can feel inching my feet off a ledge 140 meters above the ground. 

The rope that went from the top of the building to the ground was incredibly heavy, 25 kilos, and I simply couldn't push it through the "whale tail" metal thingy to propel myself down, I don't have the physical strength in my upper body yet, so the wonderful team did all the work for me and gave me a thrilling ride down so I could bounce off the glass and whizz down as fast as I wanted. 

On the whole it was a fantastic experience and I was so incredibly touched by the support, both financially and otherwise, that I received from my friends and family. I raised a total of $1560 to help Save the Children and since this is the first time I have ever done any fund raising like that, I am blown away by this amount. 

So my two big celebrations for my 12 month transplant milestone I have achieved; getting married to the man of my dreams and doing a big adrenalin inducing event. What's next for me I wonder??????

Love

Kylie

12 Month Celebration!!!!

To celebrate 12 months since my successful double lung transplant I have decided to participate in an ultimate adrenalin challenge, abseilling 36 floors down the 'Gold Tower' at 10 Eagle St, Brisbane on Saturday 18 May 2013 dressed as Batgirl!

I am aiming to raise money for charity and I would welcome any contribution, great or small, that you could make!

Check out my fundraising page: 

http://36floors.gofundraise.com.au/page/anunfinishedlife

What It Means to be Poor

Billy all dressed up with his tie on! 

Hello everyone!

Last week it was 7 months since my transplant and I feel terrific! I have had no bouts of rejection and we have even been able to start lowering my meds, yay! I'm back at work full-steam and loving it. Brad and Billy are wonderful, I fall in love with my beautiful fiance a little more each day, he just amazes me with his ability to come through for me and make my life better just by being in it. So what's been on my mind lately?

Years ago I read a human interest article titled "What it Means to be Poor" where the author interviewed many people living below the poverty line in America and had them sum up in one to two sentences what it means to them to be poor. The answers were heart-wrenching and incredibly insightful for myself, someone whom has grown up poor but never actually did without anything I really needed and was certainly nowhere near the poverty line. One particular response in the article has always stuck with me: Being poor is still paying the price for your bad decisions, years later.

This recently came to my mind when Brad finished paying off a personal loan that he had been carrying around for years. I'm so proud of him; when we met he had several loans and a sizable credit card debt and in a few short years he has paid off the loans and now just has the credit cards to pay off. Now I am extremely cautious financially, growing up poor my mum instilled in me great budgeting skills and then my ex-husband and I never got into senseless debt; we drove old cars and budgeted strictly. Therefore being in debt with personal loans and credit cards is completely foreign to me, so when Brad told me how he had finally succeeded in paying off his last loan, I asked him what it was that made him get into such debt in the first place. His truthful answer really surprised me, when he was in his early 20's (he's now 31) he was in a long-term live-in relationship and his girlfriend was chronically unemployed. So Brad was going to college and working part-time to support himself and a lazy-assed girlfriend who just simply didn't want to work.

Because he was out of the house so much he would give her the cash to pay the bills and come home to find that she had spent the money on takeaway food and clothes. These were the days before EFT and the like, so a few months down the track they would get a final notice on unpaid bills, including rent, and he had no choice but to get a credit card to get the electricity reconnected. This went on for a couple of years and I incredulously asked him why he put up with it? His answer: She was hot. He knew that she was just lazy and using him, however he had low self-esteem and was willing to pay for everything to keep her.

So that brings me to the article on poverty: Brad was still paying the cost of his bad decisions years after the relationship ended. Isn't that incredible? The decisions he made as a young man with no self confidence literally took him years to pay off. Looking back on my life the main decision that I made as a young woman, or rather inaction on my part, was not looking after myself when I was younger that would possibly have put off the need for the transplant. Things may have worked out with the transplant, however the fact remains that I  now have more-or-less a time limit as to how long my new lungs will most probably last for (10 - 15 years on average) therefore each time I didn't exercise, I didn't do my physio or I didn't take my  meds when I just had cf, has literally taken years off my life. Hindsight it a wonderful thing, woulda-shoulda-coulda, but I can honestly say that this hindsight has given me a very strong determination to do everything within my power now, to preserve my new lungs and possibly prolong what lifespan I do have left.

Give some thought to what decisions you may be making in the present that could negatively impact your future.

Love

Kylie

Introducing.........

Introducing William Jackson Lowe (aka Billy); Billy joined our family a couple of weeks ago after the tragic loss of our beloved Teddy. I really struggled with the decision to get another dog so soon after we lost Teddy but I really wanted one and I just felt ready. My house doesn't feel like a home without the patter of furry feet running around and Brad was fine with a new dog as long as it wasn't too soon for me. I kept envisioning people telling me off for getting another dog so quickly so I was prepared with a comeback should I need it. I was going to point out that because of the transplant I probably only have around 10 - 15 years left so why should I put off something that I really wanted just to make a stranger feel better about my decision. Well I'm happy to say that overall I have received wonderful support from my friends and family so all that planning of what I was going to say was for nothing!

Anyhoo, Billy the Kid is lovely; he is 12 weeks old and has a totally different personality to Teddy, which we expected of course. Billy is very much an excited-puppy-daddy's-boy and he only wants me when Brad isn't around. At first I really struggled with this; I was excited to have a puppy that I could carry around and mother but in the first couple of weeks he completely ignored me and refused to have anything to do with me. After spending time with just the two of us he now seeks me out and even naps on my foot when the fancy takes him!

Billy isn't the quickest learner in the world, it took him a week to learn to come when called and potty training was stressful; he would go downstairs to pee then come upstairs to do his poo!! But now he goes downstairs for both and the entire household feels calmer for it.

I think he is a beautiful little boy and he has brought some sunshine back into our home. He will never replace Teddy, since losing him I have realised that Teddy was everything in a dog that I had ever wanted, but Billy is his own unique self and he makes Brad and I smile.

Love

Kylie

My Yukky Day

Well right now I am feeling totally inadequate and just plain D. U. M. B. 

Today I did my next assessment for my counselling course; I didn't feel quite as ready as I had hoped to but I knew that I knew my stuff so I was ready for the assessment. Well that feeling went downhill when my role play partner, a lovely lady called Sophia, arrived and as we chatted she told me that she is an experienced Life Coach and while she initially started her counselling Diploma several years ago, she has completed the majority of it this year and will have finished the entire thing by years end. And boy, did she know her stuff, she knew the modalities we were having assessed verbatim and knew how and when to apply them as well. Basically I was a total and complete  amateur  working with a complete pro and while she and the assessor Tina were wonderfully supportive, I feel that I looked foolish and unprofessional and basically made an idiot of myself.

Whilst I passed the assessment, therefore I am technically at the same level as Sophia as far as the counselling Diploma is concerned, I still can't help but feel totally behind the 8 ball in terms of my learning and retaining this stuff. I passed the workbook no problem, but it seems to me that I should be able to apply what I have learned far more effectively than I am able to right now. Tina said something wonderful, she said that I am at the level that I am supposed to be at for this section of my studying. That made me feel much better but the little voice inside my won't shut up shouting that I'm a loser and I should just quit now and forget about it.

I know, I know. Poor Kylie. Feeling sorry for herself and wanting to revert back to her old quitter ways. I'm just being a sook. 

Love

Kylie

Eating habits

Since transplant I have put on 8 kilos because of the steroids that I am taking and I am told that as I decrease the dosage of my meds, the weight will also decrease. However I am eating constantly and I had to have a procedure last week where I was hooked up to a little computer device and I couldn't eat between meals, which was really difficult for me as I am a grazer and eat all day. What I noticed was that I wasn't particularly hungry between meals but that  I wanted to eat; impulsively and habitually, so I'm now concerned that I'm developing some unhealthy eating habits. Let me explain; by impulsively I mean that I eat just because its there, not because I really want to eat but just because it was something to do and it was there. By habitually I mean that one day I picked up a bag of lollies from the petrol station, well I now feel a  craving for a bag of lollies every time I pass a petrol station.

And coffee, oh love of my life! I drink too much coffee, to me anyway and I thought about it today and realised its the fact that its a hot beverage that attracts me to coffee, it nourishes me unlike cold drinks and also drinking coffee makes me feel like an adult. When I was little my mum used to drink coffee in the morning so in my little-girl-brain, only grown ups drink coffee hence drinking coffee now makes me feel grown up. I know this all sounds silly and trivial but this is the kind of introspection and self-realisation that I thrive on.

I've never had a weight issue before, in fact I had the opposite; before transplant I was drastically underweight and had no appetite what so ever so I had to force myself to eat at all so eating like I am now and feeling as bloated as I do now is really foreign to me. Look, I know that 58 kilos is not overweight for my height, but I feel uncomfortable looking at myself in front of the mirror.

Love

Kylie

I'm practically a tradie now

Before DIY Kylie

After DIY Kylie

As exercise is now my form of physiotherapy I use my treadmill on a daily basis and I'm pretty un-co so I found it challenging to walk and hold my e-reader at the same time without falling off :-) 


So I decided to do some of my DIY magic! I bought from the hardware store some metal robe hooks and a tube of Liquid Nails. After applying the hooks and waiting for the glue to dry, I now have a perfect little ledge to hold my e-reader, a book or a magazine on, yay!

Love

Kylie

Emotional Freedom Technique

Ready to work in the mines!

A couple of weekends ago I attended an EFT workshop - Emotional Freedom Technique. What a fantastic healing tool this is. Basically EFT is accupuncture without the needles; it is a way of neutralising negative memories so that you still retain the memory, however it no longer causes you pain and hurt. It does this by clearing the blocks in your meridians, the energy pathways in your body, which is exactly what accupuncture is.

At first glance tapping, as it is known, is a little kooky because you use two fingers to tap on certain parts of your body however the affects are amazing. One of the students on my course commented that she read an article stating how it is amazing that one tiny incident in your life can cause untold amounts of grief and take months if not years of therapy to get rid of, well tapping can do this in as little as 5 minutes. I can personally testify to this as I worked on a very unpleasant memory from when I was around 7 and in my first round of tapping, all of the emotion left this memory and while I could still recall it clearly, it no longer caused me pain, it is now just a neutral memory stored in my brain. I have also led Brad and another friend to tap through painful memories of their own and they had similar results to me.

So far I have done the Level 1 course and I am doing the Level 2 course in a few weeks time. This technically qualifies me to become a practicioner however its not something that I am interested in, I just like it as a tool I can use on myself and friends to clear away negative stuff from my life. 

If anybody would like some more information on EFT, this is the website of the fantastic trainer that I am working with, Sikaal at: http://www.universalrhapsody.com/content/view/13/31/

Love

Kylie

My Mt Isa Adventure

I just returned from visiting one of my best friends in the world, Lou Lou, in Mt Isa. Our first point of call was the local country wear store where I bought my cool cowboy hat, I love it! I wore it the whole time and felt like an authentic cowgirl :-)

Mt Isa was great, what a terrific atmosphere of community in that town. It is very small but its size was more than made up for by the warmth and welcoming manner of the townspeople. Lou Lou seems to know every second person that she sees in the street so I met quite a few people and every single one of them were lovely. Mt Isa was about what I expected, quiet and down-to-earth with some very beautiful spots such as the lake and the Granite Rocks. We had a bonfire at the Granite Rocks on Saturday night and the stars were unbelievably beautiful, so clear and bright that I felt like I could reach out and touch one; breath taking. The other thing I really liked was Peacock Park, a family picnic area where stunning peacocks wander around freely all about the place. Fantastic.

All around I had a terrific weekend and it was so wonderful to catch up with one of my best friends in the world. At one point we were ruminating at how much she and I had both matured since we used to go out hard core partying and drinking; who would have ever thought we would both be content to sit by a picturesque lake eating lunch and sipping coffee rather than dancing on the tables in a club at 3.00 in the morning?

Ah..........growing up is an interesting thing.

Love

Kylie

Thinking, thinking, thinking......

I had a great session with a terrific spiritual healer last week, Sarina Damen (http://www.sarinadamen.com/) and we spoke about a few issues that I carry guilt over and Sarina said something that really resonates with me, "Guilt guides you to where the healing needs to go." Now isn't that something to think about? I have always been taught that guilt is a destructive emotion that should be avoided at all costs but if you look at it at as a signal of where to do some inner work, it turns into a positive thing, and there is nothing more than I love to turn negatives into positives! What are some situations that you have turned from a negative to a positive in your life?

On a side note I came out of hospital last week and at clinic this week I blew the highest breathers I have since transplant, yay! I feel fantastic, which is how I expected to feel after transplant, it's only taken 9 weeks, lol.

Thank you to all your messages of support and caring, I sincerely appreciate it.

Love

Kylie

Home Sweet Hospital

Well I'm in hospital again with another infection, hopefully just a short stay this time. The weird thing is, I feel great, not sick in the slightest, however when I had my routine bronc last Friday they found infection. But there were no signs of rejection, yay!

I've been studying heaps and I'm really getting through my counselling workbooks, I'm doing number 15 at the moment and there are 22 in total. I have decided to continue studying after I graduate from my Diploma of Professional Counselling and enrol in a Bachelor of Counselling, which will take me years to do however I'm determined to finish it. I will do the Bachelor through the same place I'm doing the Diploma, The Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors, http://www.aipc.com.au/.

I attended the Prince Charles Transplant Support Group this morning, what a terrific resource to have and a great group of people to meet and chat with. I got a few tips from people whom have had transplants a long time ago as to how they stay healthy, I shall be pursuig these ideas with gusto!

Anyhoo, overall I'm great, this is just a small setback on an over-all smooth journey.

love

K

What I'm Reading

I'm currently reading a great book titled "Outliers" by Malcolm Gladwell and it has really had an impact on me. In it he talks about the two very different paths of two geniuses; one with an enormous IQ, growing up on the right side of the tracks and going on to huge academic success, the other growing up on the wrong side of the tracks, achieving absolutely no academic success yet his IQ is considerably higher. Now I grew up poor, real poor and I also had the distinct disadvantage of being an ugly child, so as a poor, ugly child I learned very early on that it was best to be as invisible as possible and not draw attention to myself. Malcolm Gladwell argues in his book that the difference between the success and non-success of the two geniuses is the social structure they grew up in, in a nutshell poor people teach their children to be meek and subserviant and obey orders wheares middle-upper class people teach their children to speak up for themselves and to be noticed and confident.

Now this is a huge revelation to me; I thought that I just happened to be ugly, shy and poor but if I look back, I learned to not draw attention to myself otherwise I would be ridiculed or bullied. The thing that really blows my mind is the far reaching implications this "learning" has had for me as a child, as an adolescent and as an adult. I'm very different now to how I used to be; shy, self-hating with no self-confidence yet I still have to force myself to speak up and stand up for myself, particularly when with figures of authority. 

When I'm sitting listening to one of the transplant team tell me that I am going to do something or other, my first instinct is to say ok, and just do whatever they tell me to, but I force myself to question them, to ask, Why? What are the possible side-effects? How long do I have to do this for? It's a real challenge to me. Even though I appear to be a successful, together woman, and for most parts I am, but there is still a little tiny Kylie inside me whispering "Be quiet, don't draw attention to us, be invisible!" This little voice gets smaller all the time, but it takes effort. It takes a constant positive inner dialogue and healthy self-talk. 

But its worth it, its so worth it.

Love

Kylie

Happy Anniversary!

Happy Anniversary Chrissy and Chris!

My beautiful cousin Chrissy celebrates her wedding anniversary with her wonderful husband Chris in a few days and I wanted to share with you the toast that I gave at their wedding:

I propose a toast to the happy couple who have been joined together in marriage. As a divorced woman myself, I have bags of wisdom on this subject, one of which has stood me well: never go to bed angry, always stay up and argue! In preparing for today I found myself wondering: what is love? Is it the blush you feel when you first set eyes on each other? Is it your skin tingling when it comes in contact with theirs? Or is it hearts and violins and romantic gestures? Then I look at the bride and groom and realise that quite simply, love is smiling from the inside out.

As most of you know, Christine and I are cousins, to some extent we grew up together and she holds a very special place in my heart. As a little girl I adored my cousin Chrissy and I used to follow her around incessantly, trying to be just like her. I used to sit on her bed and watch her get ready to go out on a date; she would go to great pains to co-ordinate the perfect outfit and do her hair and make up just so, then came my favourite part; she would practice dancing in front of the mirror. After she left I would stay in her room and try my hardest to copy her dance moves. Christine, we have shared so much of our lives together and I am honoured to be sharing this day with you. I admire you for your beauty, adore you for your virtues and love you because I just can’t help it. Starting today, you will begin to share a life with Chris, but remember that I will always be here for you, standing by your side.

Now, in the movies the good guy always gets his girl and that is exactly what has happened in this instance; Chris is a devoted father of two terrific children that will join our family and he absolutely adores Christine. As Christine’s cousin, the only criteria that I set for her future husband is this: he must love and adore Christine like the amazing woman that she is, and Chris does this without a doubt. Chris’s whole face lights up when she enters the room and as individuals, our Bride and Groom are both great people but together as a couple, they are unbeatable.

Christine, Chris, the love you show to each other is inspiring and beautiful and I look forward to seeing it continue to grow. So please charge your glasses; to the newlyweds: may the best day of your past be the worst day of your future. 

Love

Kylie

My Weekend

My kitchen artwork

Well my weekend was a complete bore, I studied almost the entire time! All work and no play make Kylie a very boring girl indeed! I'm so bored with myself atm.

On the bright side my house is looking terrific, Brad has finished installing the dishwasher (I've never had one before) and I have just finished painting our internal verandah brackets for our hallway and kitchen servery so Brad can install them tomorrow, we work really well together as a team. Our beautiful bathroom is now completely finished and my ex (our tradie) is coming back to pain the inside of my laundry cupboard in the next few weeks, yay!
So while my house looks beautiful on the inside, the outside is looking very sad so we can't wait to get the back deck built and then the whole house painted, it will be stunning! We are going for the chamferboard cottage look so I'd like some flower boxes with soft coloured flowers on the front patio, divine.

Anyhoo, my house is slowly becoming the beautiful home that I always knew it could be and it is all thanks to  Brad and me, it just goes to show what a woman with vision and a man with get-up-and-go can do together.

love
K

Old Lovers, Old Friends

Today I spent the day with my ex-husband and his two beautiful children. Some people may think this is strange, that two ex-spouse's can be friends let alone close friends, well I don't. I've never had a problem staying friends with my ex's, in fact my ex-husband is one of my closest friends. How could I not stay friends with a man whom once loved me fiercely and I loved in return, and that I shared most of my firsts with, first serious boyfriend, first love, first lover, first husband etc, he's a wonderful man, why would I not want to have him in my life? A friend once replied to this "Because they're an ex for a reason." Well I don't believe that just because the romantic part of your relationship has ended the entire thing has to end, after all, they were your partner for a reason too weren't they? 

That's just my two-cents worth anyway. 

love 

K

Realisations

Recently I had a hypnotherapy session with a close friend of mine Bernadette Wright from New Life Patterns http://www.newlifepatterns.com/. My aim in getting hypnotised was to improve my memory and retention skill as I'm really finding it a challenge to read from my Book of Readings for my counselling course then I struggle to remember what I have read 2 minutes later. I had a beautiful experience, it was very sad and I cried quite a bit but I felt such a weight lifted off my shoulders when it was over. Through the session I discovered that my belief system regarding my memory and intelligence began in 1984 when I was in year 4 and we were learning our times tables. Other kids 'got it' so much quicker than I did and it didn't matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't remember my times tables. I remember very vividly failing a test and feeling so embarrassed and humiliated that I had failed and it was then that I "learned" that I had a very bad memory and was stupid. Well 30-odd years later I still have that belief system knocking around in my head, telling me every day that I'm essentially a stupid woman and have a terrible memory. 

That's a big call for a 9 year old to make about herself isn't it? That you're stupid and can't remember anything. I wonder how I would have turned out if my teacher had given me the extra attention I needed instead of telling me that I just needed to go over them again otherwise I'd be in trouble if I failed another test. The ridiculous thing is that as an adult I know I'm not stupid, a stupid person could not have achieved what I have in my life and yes, my memory works, perhaps I don't remember every single thing I read or see but I do have a basic recall of what is important or of interest to me. 

My hypnotherapy session was so uplifting, I reassured 9 year old Kylie that she wasn't stupid and could remember whatever she wanted to and told her what her life would eventually be like when she grew into the woman I am today. It was so lovely to be able to tell her that things would get better and that she would have everything she had ever wanted, and she would achieve it all on her own merit. And I'm damn proud of that! 

What limiting beliefs do you have about yourself that are holding you back today?

love

K

What's Happening

Sorry I've been off the radar for the last week, I got home from hospital last Monday, just in time for my birthday on Tuesday :-) I turned 37, which I am not thrilled with, but what can you do? I have been good, I now only have to go to clinic once a week instead of twice a week, which is so exciting for me.

You see, clinic now entails a blood test, an xray and breathing tests, each and every clinic visit, then you see the physiotherapist, dietitian, transplant co-ordinator and then the doctor; its exhausting. The worst bit is the waiting around but everyone is in the same boat so all you can do is re-read the same 7 year old magazines you read 2 days ago. I can now also drive myself, but locally only, not over 80kms. This is in case of a head-on collision at 100kms would do serious damage to my sternum and lungs.

I had a great birthday, I got woken up to beautiful gifts from Brad then he got my breakfast and I went to a family lunch at my aunt's house. In the afternoon I had two friends from work visit me whom I adore and they brought me some gifts that my workmates had put in to buy me. The day was finished off with a quiet dinner at home with Brad and Teddy with the fireplace blazing because it was a freezing cold night. All up it was lovely, I was spoiled rotten, as it should be in my humble opinion!

I had an exciting weekend; I attended my first Toastmasters workshop in around a year. It was so lovely to see old friends and make new ones. I was lucky enough to be invited as a guest on the day by the gracious organiser and I had actually asked for a minute on the agenda to say thank you to everyone for all the support and encouragement they had given me throughout the transplant. Well to my surprise I was allotted 3 minutes on the agenda so what had been a "I'll just say thanks for all your support" thought turned into a Table Topics on the spot! I must have succeeded in getting across my heartfelt thanks because afterwards several people approached me.

Today I brought an overlocker off Ebay. Although its a few years old, its an Elna and works well and I'm really excited but also nervous to use it. It looks very complicated and Brad's mum had one when he was a kid and his only advice was that 'overlocker' must be a German swear word because that's what you do before you throw it out the window because you can't get it working! Great, thanks for that fiancee-o-mine!

Anyhoo, Teddy is well and looking very cute, his curls are coming back and he's looking like my lamby again. Brad has several new clients and I'm powering ahead in my course.

love

K

Just a Thought....................

Yesterday I was reading about Gestalt therapy as part of my counselling course and one line popped off the page into my consciousness: Try it and learn. How simple yet beautiful is that? Instead of the old 'try it and see' where there is a possibility of failure, try it and learn turns the whole thing on its head and opens up a world of possibilities. I believe that we are all on a journey and we are supposed to learn from our failures and successes along the way, so to me 'try it and learn' guarantees me success either way. To me it is a very freeing statement, like the expectation of success or failure are taken off my shoulders and instead I'm calmed and excited by the prospect of learning.

Can you think of ways to apply this to your life?

love

K

I'm Going Home!

Well I got word today that I can go home on Monday and I can't express how excited I am about it. The majority of the swelling has gone throughout my body, so Brad can no longer make funny faces with my fat knees! To 'test the waters' tonight Brad took me out to dinner. It was both scary and exciting but we had a great time eating mexican food. Then to make the night extra special for both of us we called into Brad's mecca, Bunnings, on the way home, lol.

After coming back here to the hospital I was invited to join in some girlie chat with some nurses on night duty here. Boy, I though my switch family and I could educate each other one some new words, but I learned a couple tonight that I will have to share when I get back to work.............lol.

Anyhoo, I'm now officially buggered. I've had 2 hours of physio today and dinner out so it's bed time for me.

love

K

High Heels and a Sports Car

Kylie had this post saved in her draughts and didn't want to waste it:

A few people have asked me lately how I went about building my self-esteem and self worth and I am happy to talk about that aspet of my life. For whatever reasons, I used to hate myself. I mean really hate myself, I honestly used to think that I was ugly, stupid and pathetic and while on the outside I appeared super confident, inside I was full of loathing and self-hatred. My life and my perception of myself changed when I began to see a counsellor, whom helped me to turn my life from what circumstances had shaped it to be into what I wanted it to be. I used to look at beautiful women in fantastic high heels and a sports car and long for such things, but I never dared to actually wear towering heels or own a hot looking car because my internal critic would tell me because I was so ugly I would look ridiculous in heels and a sports car and people would laugh at me. So I wore sensible shoes and drove a sensible car, all so I could be as invisible as possible so no one would notice me and therefore notice how ugly, stupid and pathetic I was.

Somewhere in my head I knew this was no way to live, yet I lived like that every day until I was around 30. Things started to change between my husband and I and I started to see my counsellor Lisa. Seeing a counsellor quite literally changed my life, she helped me go from a woman who only wore sensible shoes and hated herself to the very core, into a woman who only wears towering heels and loves and likes herself to the very core. It took so much work, soul churning, buckets of tear shedding work but I can now proudly say that my life is (cf and transplant aside of course) what I wanted it to be.

One of the first things that Lisa and I worked on was changing my inner dialogue. The way I used to speak to myself in my head was so vile and disgusting that I would never speak to another human being in such a manner. 'You're disgusting, you're pathetic, you're nothing' were only a few that I am willing to repeat, most were much, much worse. Lisa asked me if I would ever speak to a 2 year old child like that and of course the answer was no, not in a million years. Lisa had me visualise myself as a 2 year old little girl and try to say those vile things to her. I couldn't do it, not even in the privacy of my own brain. So thats how I started. Everytime I went to speak to myself in such a manner, I pictured cute, little Kylie and try to say those things to her. At first sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't, then I started to notice that I was speaking to myself like that less and less each day. It took a long time, months and months of concerted effort, but eventually I realised that it just wasn't something I did anymore, it was gone from my behaviour.

That was just one of the first behaviours that Lisa helped me to change and later on I will tell you about more of them. And just in case you were wondering, I am now addicted to high heels and I did buy myself that sports car. And I looked hot in it everytime I drove it!

love

K