The Decision

The decision to go on the list for a double lung transplant was massive for me; I take it as a huge responsibility that I take very seriously. I feel that I have a responsibility first and foremost to the doner and their family for giving me the gift of life then, I have a responsibility to my family, mainly my mum and dad, my sister and my fiancee Brad. In asking them to be my support people, I’m asking them to put huge amounts of time and energy into helping take care of me and I don’t take this lightly at all, especially when asking this of Brad. My mum has always taken care of me, and my dad and sister too, but although Brad knew I had cf when we started dating, he certainly didn’t sign up to having a fiancee with only 12 months to live and taking over the reigns of our entire lives from when I get the transplant and for months after as I recover and eventually take control of my health and body again.

I also feel a huge sense of responsibility to the medical team looking after me, the incredible cf team and the transplant team at the Prince Charles Hospital here in Brisbane. I mean, an entire team of surgeons, transplant doctors and nurses will one night be woken out of their sleep when suitable lungs become available, just to save my life. Mine. All this trouble for just one person, me. Am I worthy? Do I deserve this second chance at life? To be honest I don’t honestly know; I know that I’m a good person but I’m certainly not the type to live in poverty in order to help others . No sir, if I see a pair of stunning heels for half price I will scrap with the best of them to get my hands on the heels!

So with all of this responsibility stuff weighing heavily on my shoulders I received the news that a lady I knew whom had a transplant 4 years ago had passed away. I was really floored by this as she was a by-the-book patient; she did everything she was told, when she was told to do it and never deviated from the plan. Apparently her body started rejecting the lungs and the transplant team did everything in their power but just couldn’t stop it and she passed away peacefully at home with her family around her. I was really affected because I don’t know if I could ever be the kind of model patient she was and I was honestly was still deciding if I wanted to be put on the list or not. So I went for a walk to clear my head and I had a thought. It was so simple and obvious that I feel silly even repeating it, but it changed things for me. The thought was “I’m going to die anyway,” That was when I realised that I am going to die in the relatively near future, be it of cf or after transplant, but if this hospital is willing to put hundreds of thousands of dollars into saving me, then why not give it a go? Perhaps I’ll get another 4 years life after transplant, perhaps I’ll get 10 years, nobody knows. All that we do know is that without a transplant I will only live another 12 months or so. And quitting isn’t in my nature so that is when I decided to go for it, to pursue being put on the list for a double lung transplant.

I don’t know if I will ever feel worthy of what it is that I am asking my family and friends to support me through, all I can do is trust that if they are willing then I will take the support they offer me.

Love

K