What It Means to be Poor

Billy all dressed up with his tie on! 

Hello everyone!

Last week it was 7 months since my transplant and I feel terrific! I have had no bouts of rejection and we have even been able to start lowering my meds, yay! I'm back at work full-steam and loving it. Brad and Billy are wonderful, I fall in love with my beautiful fiance a little more each day, he just amazes me with his ability to come through for me and make my life better just by being in it. So what's been on my mind lately?

Years ago I read a human interest article titled "What it Means to be Poor" where the author interviewed many people living below the poverty line in America and had them sum up in one to two sentences what it means to them to be poor. The answers were heart-wrenching and incredibly insightful for myself, someone whom has grown up poor but never actually did without anything I really needed and was certainly nowhere near the poverty line. One particular response in the article has always stuck with me: Being poor is still paying the price for your bad decisions, years later.

This recently came to my mind when Brad finished paying off a personal loan that he had been carrying around for years. I'm so proud of him; when we met he had several loans and a sizable credit card debt and in a few short years he has paid off the loans and now just has the credit cards to pay off. Now I am extremely cautious financially, growing up poor my mum instilled in me great budgeting skills and then my ex-husband and I never got into senseless debt; we drove old cars and budgeted strictly. Therefore being in debt with personal loans and credit cards is completely foreign to me, so when Brad told me how he had finally succeeded in paying off his last loan, I asked him what it was that made him get into such debt in the first place. His truthful answer really surprised me, when he was in his early 20's (he's now 31) he was in a long-term live-in relationship and his girlfriend was chronically unemployed. So Brad was going to college and working part-time to support himself and a lazy-assed girlfriend who just simply didn't want to work.

Because he was out of the house so much he would give her the cash to pay the bills and come home to find that she had spent the money on takeaway food and clothes. These were the days before EFT and the like, so a few months down the track they would get a final notice on unpaid bills, including rent, and he had no choice but to get a credit card to get the electricity reconnected. This went on for a couple of years and I incredulously asked him why he put up with it? His answer: She was hot. He knew that she was just lazy and using him, however he had low self-esteem and was willing to pay for everything to keep her.

So that brings me to the article on poverty: Brad was still paying the cost of his bad decisions years after the relationship ended. Isn't that incredible? The decisions he made as a young man with no self confidence literally took him years to pay off. Looking back on my life the main decision that I made as a young woman, or rather inaction on my part, was not looking after myself when I was younger that would possibly have put off the need for the transplant. Things may have worked out with the transplant, however the fact remains that I  now have more-or-less a time limit as to how long my new lungs will most probably last for (10 - 15 years on average) therefore each time I didn't exercise, I didn't do my physio or I didn't take my  meds when I just had cf, has literally taken years off my life. Hindsight it a wonderful thing, woulda-shoulda-coulda, but I can honestly say that this hindsight has given me a very strong determination to do everything within my power now, to preserve my new lungs and possibly prolong what lifespan I do have left.

Give some thought to what decisions you may be making in the present that could negatively impact your future.

Love

Kylie

To Make You Smile

I thought I'd start the new week off with a pic to make you smile - Billy the Kid getting his tummy tickled.

Everytime I look at it a goofy smile crosses my face.

I love my Billy Boy x

Billy the Kid

Billy the Kid first thing in the morning

Billy out shopping with mummy

Introducing.........

Introducing William Jackson Lowe (aka Billy); Billy joined our family a couple of weeks ago after the tragic loss of our beloved Teddy. I really struggled with the decision to get another dog so soon after we lost Teddy but I really wanted one and I just felt ready. My house doesn't feel like a home without the patter of furry feet running around and Brad was fine with a new dog as long as it wasn't too soon for me. I kept envisioning people telling me off for getting another dog so quickly so I was prepared with a comeback should I need it. I was going to point out that because of the transplant I probably only have around 10 - 15 years left so why should I put off something that I really wanted just to make a stranger feel better about my decision. Well I'm happy to say that overall I have received wonderful support from my friends and family so all that planning of what I was going to say was for nothing!

Anyhoo, Billy the Kid is lovely; he is 12 weeks old and has a totally different personality to Teddy, which we expected of course. Billy is very much an excited-puppy-daddy's-boy and he only wants me when Brad isn't around. At first I really struggled with this; I was excited to have a puppy that I could carry around and mother but in the first couple of weeks he completely ignored me and refused to have anything to do with me. After spending time with just the two of us he now seeks me out and even naps on my foot when the fancy takes him!

Billy isn't the quickest learner in the world, it took him a week to learn to come when called and potty training was stressful; he would go downstairs to pee then come upstairs to do his poo!! But now he goes downstairs for both and the entire household feels calmer for it.

I think he is a beautiful little boy and he has brought some sunshine back into our home. He will never replace Teddy, since losing him I have realised that Teddy was everything in a dog that I had ever wanted, but Billy is his own unique self and he makes Brad and I smile.

Love

Kylie

My Yukky Day

Well right now I am feeling totally inadequate and just plain D. U. M. B. 

Today I did my next assessment for my counselling course; I didn't feel quite as ready as I had hoped to but I knew that I knew my stuff so I was ready for the assessment. Well that feeling went downhill when my role play partner, a lovely lady called Sophia, arrived and as we chatted she told me that she is an experienced Life Coach and while she initially started her counselling Diploma several years ago, she has completed the majority of it this year and will have finished the entire thing by years end. And boy, did she know her stuff, she knew the modalities we were having assessed verbatim and knew how and when to apply them as well. Basically I was a total and complete  amateur  working with a complete pro and while she and the assessor Tina were wonderfully supportive, I feel that I looked foolish and unprofessional and basically made an idiot of myself.

Whilst I passed the assessment, therefore I am technically at the same level as Sophia as far as the counselling Diploma is concerned, I still can't help but feel totally behind the 8 ball in terms of my learning and retaining this stuff. I passed the workbook no problem, but it seems to me that I should be able to apply what I have learned far more effectively than I am able to right now. Tina said something wonderful, she said that I am at the level that I am supposed to be at for this section of my studying. That made me feel much better but the little voice inside my won't shut up shouting that I'm a loser and I should just quit now and forget about it.

I know, I know. Poor Kylie. Feeling sorry for herself and wanting to revert back to her old quitter ways. I'm just being a sook. 

Love

Kylie

Our Family Tragedy

Teddy when we visited him at the vet surgery the day after his operation

Last Monday we lost out beloved puppy dog Teddy; Brad and I are both grieving very deeply and badly for him. The Wednesday before he passed away Teddy was fine in the morning then after lunch he went downstairs to do his own thing. A couple of hours later he came upstairs all bloated in the tummy and acting very quiet and subdued, then he started to lie under the dining table, something Teddy only did when he was sulking, in trouble or not feeling well. I noticed that he has also done a runny poo so I went downstairs and found berries from the neighbours bush hanging over our fence again and I deduced that once again Teddy had eaten the berries, developed diarrhoea and now he had a stomach ache, just like he did last year. I picked all the berries off and thew them away, not thinking any more of it. Teddy just seemed to become more and more lethargic during the night and cried a little as he was going to sleep. I had to do some training for work the next day so Brad kept a close eye on him. After work I met my mum for lunch and Brad rang me frantically, urging me to get to the vet immediately; I sped there and was met by the wonderful vet Shane at Blackwood Street Veterinary Surgery whom explained to me that Teddy had a stomach x-ray and he had Gastric dilatation volvulus or bloat and it was a matter of life or death. Brad and I had to decide then and there to try surgery on Teddy where he didn't have a very good chance at survival and would cost a lot of money or have him put down. It was a no-brainer decision for us, on our side was the fact that Teddy was still walking which indicated to the vet that it was only a mild case of GDV so we loaded Teddy into the car and rushed to the specialised veterinary surgeon a couple of suburbs away. 

Teddy underwent surgery on Thursday afternoon, it took 2 hours and the vet whom performed the surgery finally rang us to say that Teddy had survived the surgery however some of his stomach had died off and had to be removed and his entire spleen had to be taken too, it could not be saved. Teddy was now doing well, no problems were detected with his heart and we just had to wait to see what would happen. He continued to improve and Brad picked Teddy up and brought him home on Saturday afternoon, he was still very doped up on the pain killers so he was even more vague than usual, lol. It was wonderful to have him home though and we were able to let out a sigh of relief thinking that we had our strong boy back and he would only get better from here.

Monday morning Teddy woke up perkier than every, he seemed to be back to old self and we took him for a ride in the car, which he loved, then after lunch he became lethargic again and vomited 3 times. We rang Shane our vet and he said that vomiting in itself wasn't something to be too concerned about when Teddy had just been through major surgery but if he got worse to bring him down to the surgery. He stayed about the same then Brad went out to the front patio where he discovered that Teddy had done a diarrhoea poo out there then was obviously extremely ill again. We hurried to the vet again and when we got there Teddy perked up again, he walked happily to the patch of grass at the back of the vets surgery and let Shane examine him and even take blood, he was such a good boy. Shane gave Teddy an injection to stop the vomiting and told us that the diarrhoea was a good sign, it meant that Teddy's intestines were working well, and since he seemed so much better we took him home again. 

We put him out into the yard where he lounged out in the sun like he always did and fell asleep, just like back to normal. I checked on him every 15 minutes then I let around 45 minutes go by before I checked on him again, thinking he was still sleeping in the sun. This time he didn't respond so I rushed downstairs and found him struggling to breathe and he couldn't stand up at all. I got Brad and he started to gather Teddy up while I got my bag and keys and rang the vet to let them know we were coming down again. By the time I got back downstairs Brad thought Teddy had passed away as he had stopped breathing. Finally Brad found a faint heartbeat so we sped back to the vet and Shane and the nurse Holly were incredible, Shane rushed out to the car and grabbed Teddy, I explained that we thought Teddy was dead but weren't sure and honestly, it was like an episode of ER, Shane and Holly worked so hard to save Teddy's life. Brad and I were able to be with him and we saw the extraordinary efforts they took; Teddy was intubated, given heart compressions and a shot of adrenalin in the heart but nothing worked. Finally Shane explained that there was nothing else he could do, Teddy's heart wouldn't start beating again and he was not breathing so he had passed away. 

It was heartbreaking, our beautiful, big strong fluffy boy just lay on the vets table, lifeless and limp with us all praying for a miracle, it was one of the worst times of my life. I've always thought that pet owners whom spend thousands of dollars on their pets as utterly stupid, a dog is an animal and apart from a show dog, no animal is worth that kind of money. But I have to tell you, seeing Teddy right then, I would have spent every last penny trying to save his life. Shane rang the surgeon who had operated on Teddy and conferred about the case and they suspect that Teddy had suffered two heart attacks, one just after lunch when he vomited and had diarrhoea then another when he was laying in the yard. Because Teddy's heart tests had come back negative after the surgery no body had any reason to suspect that Teddy would encounter heart problems so his passing was a complete shock to the veterinary staff as well as us. 

The last 7 days have been extremely difficult for Brad and I without Teddy, but the caring and support we have received from our family and friends has been so wonderful to us; it seems that Teddy affected more people than we knew he did. Brad took Teddy with him most places he went including while working with his personal training clients so we have had many people ask where Teddy is and then have to explain what happened to our boy. People seem to be really affected by his passing. 

Thank you to everyone whom has expressed their sympathy for our loss, we are still grieving and suspect we will be for a while yet however your words of encouragement and caring mean the world to us. 

Love

Kylie

Eating habits

Since transplant I have put on 8 kilos because of the steroids that I am taking and I am told that as I decrease the dosage of my meds, the weight will also decrease. However I am eating constantly and I had to have a procedure last week where I was hooked up to a little computer device and I couldn't eat between meals, which was really difficult for me as I am a grazer and eat all day. What I noticed was that I wasn't particularly hungry between meals but that  I wanted to eat; impulsively and habitually, so I'm now concerned that I'm developing some unhealthy eating habits. Let me explain; by impulsively I mean that I eat just because its there, not because I really want to eat but just because it was something to do and it was there. By habitually I mean that one day I picked up a bag of lollies from the petrol station, well I now feel a  craving for a bag of lollies every time I pass a petrol station.

And coffee, oh love of my life! I drink too much coffee, to me anyway and I thought about it today and realised its the fact that its a hot beverage that attracts me to coffee, it nourishes me unlike cold drinks and also drinking coffee makes me feel like an adult. When I was little my mum used to drink coffee in the morning so in my little-girl-brain, only grown ups drink coffee hence drinking coffee now makes me feel grown up. I know this all sounds silly and trivial but this is the kind of introspection and self-realisation that I thrive on.

I've never had a weight issue before, in fact I had the opposite; before transplant I was drastically underweight and had no appetite what so ever so I had to force myself to eat at all so eating like I am now and feeling as bloated as I do now is really foreign to me. Look, I know that 58 kilos is not overweight for my height, but I feel uncomfortable looking at myself in front of the mirror.

Love

Kylie

Introducing.............

My new Toastmasters club, Stafford Heights Toastmasters, held its 700th meeting on Wednesday night and it was a costume night; guess what I went as?? Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I went as Batgirl!


It was a blast; we had a Queen of Sheba, the Mad Hatter, Bob the Builder, Dracula, a hippie, Bill Gates among others and the very best of all in my opinion, Chad Morgan whom simply wore a cowboy hat, a guitar and false teeth which changed the shape of his face and he speech, so simple but so effective! During supper break we feasted on a veritable smorgasbord of culinary delights all contributed by the members. 

It was a great night and it reminded me exactly why I love Toastmasters so much; fun, friendship and fellowship.

Love

Kylie

I'm practically a tradie now

Before DIY Kylie

After DIY Kylie

As exercise is now my form of physiotherapy I use my treadmill on a daily basis and I'm pretty un-co so I found it challenging to walk and hold my e-reader at the same time without falling off :-) 


So I decided to do some of my DIY magic! I bought from the hardware store some metal robe hooks and a tube of Liquid Nails. After applying the hooks and waiting for the glue to dry, I now have a perfect little ledge to hold my e-reader, a book or a magazine on, yay!

Love

Kylie

Emotional Freedom Technique

Ready to work in the mines!

A couple of weekends ago I attended an EFT workshop - Emotional Freedom Technique. What a fantastic healing tool this is. Basically EFT is accupuncture without the needles; it is a way of neutralising negative memories so that you still retain the memory, however it no longer causes you pain and hurt. It does this by clearing the blocks in your meridians, the energy pathways in your body, which is exactly what accupuncture is.

At first glance tapping, as it is known, is a little kooky because you use two fingers to tap on certain parts of your body however the affects are amazing. One of the students on my course commented that she read an article stating how it is amazing that one tiny incident in your life can cause untold amounts of grief and take months if not years of therapy to get rid of, well tapping can do this in as little as 5 minutes. I can personally testify to this as I worked on a very unpleasant memory from when I was around 7 and in my first round of tapping, all of the emotion left this memory and while I could still recall it clearly, it no longer caused me pain, it is now just a neutral memory stored in my brain. I have also led Brad and another friend to tap through painful memories of their own and they had similar results to me.

So far I have done the Level 1 course and I am doing the Level 2 course in a few weeks time. This technically qualifies me to become a practicioner however its not something that I am interested in, I just like it as a tool I can use on myself and friends to clear away negative stuff from my life. 

If anybody would like some more information on EFT, this is the website of the fantastic trainer that I am working with, Sikaal at: http://www.universalrhapsody.com/content/view/13/31/

Love

Kylie

My Mt Isa Adventure

I just returned from visiting one of my best friends in the world, Lou Lou, in Mt Isa. Our first point of call was the local country wear store where I bought my cool cowboy hat, I love it! I wore it the whole time and felt like an authentic cowgirl :-)

Mt Isa was great, what a terrific atmosphere of community in that town. It is very small but its size was more than made up for by the warmth and welcoming manner of the townspeople. Lou Lou seems to know every second person that she sees in the street so I met quite a few people and every single one of them were lovely. Mt Isa was about what I expected, quiet and down-to-earth with some very beautiful spots such as the lake and the Granite Rocks. We had a bonfire at the Granite Rocks on Saturday night and the stars were unbelievably beautiful, so clear and bright that I felt like I could reach out and touch one; breath taking. The other thing I really liked was Peacock Park, a family picnic area where stunning peacocks wander around freely all about the place. Fantastic.

All around I had a terrific weekend and it was so wonderful to catch up with one of my best friends in the world. At one point we were ruminating at how much she and I had both matured since we used to go out hard core partying and drinking; who would have ever thought we would both be content to sit by a picturesque lake eating lunch and sipping coffee rather than dancing on the tables in a club at 3.00 in the morning?

Ah..........growing up is an interesting thing.

Love

Kylie

Big Weekend Coming Up!

Mr Teddy Bear looking very bling

I have got a great weekend coming up, I'm flying to Mt Isa to see one of my best friends in the world, Lou Lou. Lou Lou and I haven't seen each other for around a year and because Internet service is quite slow in Mt Isa we mainly keep up to date via text,  so I'm sure it will be a big girly, teary reunion when I disembark off the plane. I am really excited to see this part of Australia, I've never been to anywhere it this before and I'm assured that country life will be a real eye opener for a city girl like me!

Lou Lou and I have been friends for around 5 years and I can honestly say that she is someone whom I admire the most in this world. It took her 9 years to finish her university degree, 9 years, wow, the fact that she stuck with it and got there in the end is a true inspiration to me and it makes me want to strive to achieve my dreams of getting my counselling degree after I finish my diploma. 

Overall Lou Lou is an amazing woman and I am so proud to have her in my life; how have your friends motivated you to strive for more in your life?

Love

Kylie

Thinking, thinking, thinking......

I had a great session with a terrific spiritual healer last week, Sarina Damen (http://www.sarinadamen.com/) and we spoke about a few issues that I carry guilt over and Sarina said something that really resonates with me, "Guilt guides you to where the healing needs to go." Now isn't that something to think about? I have always been taught that guilt is a destructive emotion that should be avoided at all costs but if you look at it at as a signal of where to do some inner work, it turns into a positive thing, and there is nothing more than I love to turn negatives into positives! What are some situations that you have turned from a negative to a positive in your life?

On a side note I came out of hospital last week and at clinic this week I blew the highest breathers I have since transplant, yay! I feel fantastic, which is how I expected to feel after transplant, it's only taken 9 weeks, lol.

Thank you to all your messages of support and caring, I sincerely appreciate it.

Love

Kylie

Home Sweet Hospital

Well I'm in hospital again with another infection, hopefully just a short stay this time. The weird thing is, I feel great, not sick in the slightest, however when I had my routine bronc last Friday they found infection. But there were no signs of rejection, yay!

I've been studying heaps and I'm really getting through my counselling workbooks, I'm doing number 15 at the moment and there are 22 in total. I have decided to continue studying after I graduate from my Diploma of Professional Counselling and enrol in a Bachelor of Counselling, which will take me years to do however I'm determined to finish it. I will do the Bachelor through the same place I'm doing the Diploma, The Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors, http://www.aipc.com.au/.

I attended the Prince Charles Transplant Support Group this morning, what a terrific resource to have and a great group of people to meet and chat with. I got a few tips from people whom have had transplants a long time ago as to how they stay healthy, I shall be pursuig these ideas with gusto!

Anyhoo, overall I'm great, this is just a small setback on an over-all smooth journey.

love

K

What I'm Reading

I'm currently reading a great book titled "Outliers" by Malcolm Gladwell and it has really had an impact on me. In it he talks about the two very different paths of two geniuses; one with an enormous IQ, growing up on the right side of the tracks and going on to huge academic success, the other growing up on the wrong side of the tracks, achieving absolutely no academic success yet his IQ is considerably higher. Now I grew up poor, real poor and I also had the distinct disadvantage of being an ugly child, so as a poor, ugly child I learned very early on that it was best to be as invisible as possible and not draw attention to myself. Malcolm Gladwell argues in his book that the difference between the success and non-success of the two geniuses is the social structure they grew up in, in a nutshell poor people teach their children to be meek and subserviant and obey orders wheares middle-upper class people teach their children to speak up for themselves and to be noticed and confident.

Now this is a huge revelation to me; I thought that I just happened to be ugly, shy and poor but if I look back, I learned to not draw attention to myself otherwise I would be ridiculed or bullied. The thing that really blows my mind is the far reaching implications this "learning" has had for me as a child, as an adolescent and as an adult. I'm very different now to how I used to be; shy, self-hating with no self-confidence yet I still have to force myself to speak up and stand up for myself, particularly when with figures of authority. 

When I'm sitting listening to one of the transplant team tell me that I am going to do something or other, my first instinct is to say ok, and just do whatever they tell me to, but I force myself to question them, to ask, Why? What are the possible side-effects? How long do I have to do this for? It's a real challenge to me. Even though I appear to be a successful, together woman, and for most parts I am, but there is still a little tiny Kylie inside me whispering "Be quiet, don't draw attention to us, be invisible!" This little voice gets smaller all the time, but it takes effort. It takes a constant positive inner dialogue and healthy self-talk. 

But its worth it, its so worth it.

Love

Kylie

Happy Anniversary!

Happy Anniversary Chrissy and Chris!

My beautiful cousin Chrissy celebrates her wedding anniversary with her wonderful husband Chris in a few days and I wanted to share with you the toast that I gave at their wedding:

I propose a toast to the happy couple who have been joined together in marriage. As a divorced woman myself, I have bags of wisdom on this subject, one of which has stood me well: never go to bed angry, always stay up and argue! In preparing for today I found myself wondering: what is love? Is it the blush you feel when you first set eyes on each other? Is it your skin tingling when it comes in contact with theirs? Or is it hearts and violins and romantic gestures? Then I look at the bride and groom and realise that quite simply, love is smiling from the inside out.

As most of you know, Christine and I are cousins, to some extent we grew up together and she holds a very special place in my heart. As a little girl I adored my cousin Chrissy and I used to follow her around incessantly, trying to be just like her. I used to sit on her bed and watch her get ready to go out on a date; she would go to great pains to co-ordinate the perfect outfit and do her hair and make up just so, then came my favourite part; she would practice dancing in front of the mirror. After she left I would stay in her room and try my hardest to copy her dance moves. Christine, we have shared so much of our lives together and I am honoured to be sharing this day with you. I admire you for your beauty, adore you for your virtues and love you because I just can’t help it. Starting today, you will begin to share a life with Chris, but remember that I will always be here for you, standing by your side.

Now, in the movies the good guy always gets his girl and that is exactly what has happened in this instance; Chris is a devoted father of two terrific children that will join our family and he absolutely adores Christine. As Christine’s cousin, the only criteria that I set for her future husband is this: he must love and adore Christine like the amazing woman that she is, and Chris does this without a doubt. Chris’s whole face lights up when she enters the room and as individuals, our Bride and Groom are both great people but together as a couple, they are unbeatable.

Christine, Chris, the love you show to each other is inspiring and beautiful and I look forward to seeing it continue to grow. So please charge your glasses; to the newlyweds: may the best day of your past be the worst day of your future. 

Love

Kylie

My Weekend

My kitchen artwork

Well my weekend was a complete bore, I studied almost the entire time! All work and no play make Kylie a very boring girl indeed! I'm so bored with myself atm.

On the bright side my house is looking terrific, Brad has finished installing the dishwasher (I've never had one before) and I have just finished painting our internal verandah brackets for our hallway and kitchen servery so Brad can install them tomorrow, we work really well together as a team. Our beautiful bathroom is now completely finished and my ex (our tradie) is coming back to pain the inside of my laundry cupboard in the next few weeks, yay!
So while my house looks beautiful on the inside, the outside is looking very sad so we can't wait to get the back deck built and then the whole house painted, it will be stunning! We are going for the chamferboard cottage look so I'd like some flower boxes with soft coloured flowers on the front patio, divine.

Anyhoo, my house is slowly becoming the beautiful home that I always knew it could be and it is all thanks to  Brad and me, it just goes to show what a woman with vision and a man with get-up-and-go can do together.

love
K

Old Lovers, Old Friends

Today I spent the day with my ex-husband and his two beautiful children. Some people may think this is strange, that two ex-spouse's can be friends let alone close friends, well I don't. I've never had a problem staying friends with my ex's, in fact my ex-husband is one of my closest friends. How could I not stay friends with a man whom once loved me fiercely and I loved in return, and that I shared most of my firsts with, first serious boyfriend, first love, first lover, first husband etc, he's a wonderful man, why would I not want to have him in my life? A friend once replied to this "Because they're an ex for a reason." Well I don't believe that just because the romantic part of your relationship has ended the entire thing has to end, after all, they were your partner for a reason too weren't they? 

That's just my two-cents worth anyway. 

love 

K

Realisations

Recently I had a hypnotherapy session with a close friend of mine Bernadette Wright from New Life Patterns http://www.newlifepatterns.com/. My aim in getting hypnotised was to improve my memory and retention skill as I'm really finding it a challenge to read from my Book of Readings for my counselling course then I struggle to remember what I have read 2 minutes later. I had a beautiful experience, it was very sad and I cried quite a bit but I felt such a weight lifted off my shoulders when it was over. Through the session I discovered that my belief system regarding my memory and intelligence began in 1984 when I was in year 4 and we were learning our times tables. Other kids 'got it' so much quicker than I did and it didn't matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't remember my times tables. I remember very vividly failing a test and feeling so embarrassed and humiliated that I had failed and it was then that I "learned" that I had a very bad memory and was stupid. Well 30-odd years later I still have that belief system knocking around in my head, telling me every day that I'm essentially a stupid woman and have a terrible memory. 

That's a big call for a 9 year old to make about herself isn't it? That you're stupid and can't remember anything. I wonder how I would have turned out if my teacher had given me the extra attention I needed instead of telling me that I just needed to go over them again otherwise I'd be in trouble if I failed another test. The ridiculous thing is that as an adult I know I'm not stupid, a stupid person could not have achieved what I have in my life and yes, my memory works, perhaps I don't remember every single thing I read or see but I do have a basic recall of what is important or of interest to me. 

My hypnotherapy session was so uplifting, I reassured 9 year old Kylie that she wasn't stupid and could remember whatever she wanted to and told her what her life would eventually be like when she grew into the woman I am today. It was so lovely to be able to tell her that things would get better and that she would have everything she had ever wanted, and she would achieve it all on her own merit. And I'm damn proud of that! 

What limiting beliefs do you have about yourself that are holding you back today?

love

K

What's Happening

Sorry I've been off the radar for the last week, I got home from hospital last Monday, just in time for my birthday on Tuesday :-) I turned 37, which I am not thrilled with, but what can you do? I have been good, I now only have to go to clinic once a week instead of twice a week, which is so exciting for me.

You see, clinic now entails a blood test, an xray and breathing tests, each and every clinic visit, then you see the physiotherapist, dietitian, transplant co-ordinator and then the doctor; its exhausting. The worst bit is the waiting around but everyone is in the same boat so all you can do is re-read the same 7 year old magazines you read 2 days ago. I can now also drive myself, but locally only, not over 80kms. This is in case of a head-on collision at 100kms would do serious damage to my sternum and lungs.

I had a great birthday, I got woken up to beautiful gifts from Brad then he got my breakfast and I went to a family lunch at my aunt's house. In the afternoon I had two friends from work visit me whom I adore and they brought me some gifts that my workmates had put in to buy me. The day was finished off with a quiet dinner at home with Brad and Teddy with the fireplace blazing because it was a freezing cold night. All up it was lovely, I was spoiled rotten, as it should be in my humble opinion!

I had an exciting weekend; I attended my first Toastmasters workshop in around a year. It was so lovely to see old friends and make new ones. I was lucky enough to be invited as a guest on the day by the gracious organiser and I had actually asked for a minute on the agenda to say thank you to everyone for all the support and encouragement they had given me throughout the transplant. Well to my surprise I was allotted 3 minutes on the agenda so what had been a "I'll just say thanks for all your support" thought turned into a Table Topics on the spot! I must have succeeded in getting across my heartfelt thanks because afterwards several people approached me.

Today I brought an overlocker off Ebay. Although its a few years old, its an Elna and works well and I'm really excited but also nervous to use it. It looks very complicated and Brad's mum had one when he was a kid and his only advice was that 'overlocker' must be a German swear word because that's what you do before you throw it out the window because you can't get it working! Great, thanks for that fiancee-o-mine!

Anyhoo, Teddy is well and looking very cute, his curls are coming back and he's looking like my lamby again. Brad has several new clients and I'm powering ahead in my course.

love

K

A Short Story I Wrote

No signs of rejection, yay!

But I am in hospital again with a lower respitory tract infection and I don't feel like talking about myself so I thought I'd post a short story that I wrote a long time ago:

Every Second Sunday – Her Story

Sometimes I wish I never had her... then I wouldn't have to deal with her father.

Every second Sunday is the worst; I have to smile pleasantly while he drops our 5 year old home, both of them happy and exhausted from another fun weekend together! They say that the best form of revenge is success, so I’m a successful single mother, a career woman who owns a lovely home and a late model car, yet all that still doesn’t erase the devastation and humiliation I felt when the love of my life heard our baby’s heart beat for the first time then turned around and walked out of my life for the next two and a half years.

We were both high when we found out that I was pregnant, staring in disbelief at the little pink line on the home pregnancy test gave us the giggles and we stayed in that disbelieving non-reality for the next 3 months, until I finally came down enough to visit my doctor whom was no fool and immediately ordered an ultrasound. The next day we walked into the sterile office, the stenographer throwing us puzzled glances as we giggled our way through the 10 minutes of preparation. He held my hand tightly and kissed my hair as the image of our baby came onto the screen; as the steady beat of our baby’s heart filled the room his grip on my hand loosened until it lay limp on the blanket. I looked up into his handsome face to see a stranger, who was this man staring in disgust at the baby that we had both created? Then he turned around and walked out, simply left, he didn’t even glance back. The rest of the consultation is a blur; by the time I waddled into our flat all his clothes were gone and I did the only thing I knew how: I reached for my saviour and spent the next 3 weeks in sweet oblivion. Eventually my parents intervened and threatened to seek custody of my baby unless I got clean; so immediately after giving birth to my underweight red-faced girl-child, we entered a mother and baby rehab centre.

Is it wrong that everything I have ever done in my life since that humiliating day is geared toward showing him how great I’m doing without him? My degree, my career, my house, all carefully orchestrated for show, none of it fills the chasm in my soul where he used to be. I don’t really think he’s a bad father, since his unexpected contact 2 and a half years ago he has proven himself to be the kind of father that every little girl deserves: patient and caring and fun and loving. So here I sit yet again, a bland smile on my perfectly made up face in my tastefully decorated living room, swallowing the hysteria I always feel inside when near him, craving a hit, craving a high, anything to escape the fact that I still love him.

Every Second Sunday – His Story

Sometimes after I tuck my daughter into bed, I watch her sleeping; I watch her baby chest rising and falling with each breath and listen for her little heartbeat. The heartbeat that scared me shitless when I first heard it, the heartbeat that scared me clean.

I walked out of the doctors’ office that day and ran home, I threw whatever of mine I could into a duffle bag and jumped onto the next bus that was passing. What was I running away from? The woman who was the love of my life? The responsibility of having a child? Or the truth that my child deserved a better father than a junkie like me? I travelled for 3 days straight, sometimes by bus, sometimes hitchhiking, sometimes just walking, deep into the bush. I had heard of a commune started in the 70’s that a mate of mine had gone to live in; the last time we spoke he told me that if I ever got serious about getting clean to come to him and he’d do whatever he could to help. I spent the next 12 months in that bastard of a place; I don’t know which hurt more; being away from her or the physical pain of withdrawal. I lost count of the times I cried myself to sleep, burying my head in the pillow and imagining it was her hair I was kissing again. Finally I felt ready to go back to real life; life on the commune was hard slog but I knew that life in society would be a million times harder.

I had a plan, but I didn’t stick to it, I asked around and found out that she and the baby had moved in with her parents, good solid people with strong moral fibre and no tolerance for bad behaviour. I stood behind a tree across from the house like the coward that I am, hours later I finally saw her emerge, blanketed from the cold by a warm coat and scarf with a students satchel slung across her body. Her mother stood at the front door waving her off holding a baby, I was too far away to see the child clearly, but I swear to God my heart tightened at the first sight of my off-spring. She kissed the baby goodbye then her mum; I could hear the baby gurgle happily. It was another 6 months before I got to hold my daughter for the first time, she claimed that I was an unfit father and incapable of looking after a child however my solicitor proved her wrong and I was granted partial custody.

Three years have passed and I have turned myself into a father that my daughter can be proud of, my house, my career, everything is done with my baby’s best interest at heart. While my life may be going well in that area, it’s not so good in others. Why do I still wake up at night clutching a pillow to my chest and dreaming it’s her that I’m holding? She and I have never spoken about this wall between us; she refuses to utter a word to me that is not connected to our child. I thought that things between us would get easier with time but it is anything but the case. She is like a figure made of glass; cold, brittle, untouchable, unreachable. She thinks I don’t see behind her mask, she thinks I don’t see the contempt in her eyes as she smiles politely at me, she thinks I don’t know that she’s still an addict. I don’t think she knows that I still love her.

The Dreaded R Word.......................

Rejection, the dreaded R word has now entered my world. I went to clinic today and due to some test results my medical team are concerned that I may be rejecting so I'm having another bronc on Wednesday. Yay, not. Rejection. What. A. Scary. Word. I'm terrified and my mind is still processing it so I can't talk about it anymore.

On a lighter note, since I came home I have been struck by how much I let slide for the last couple of years when I got really sick. My whole house is in disarray and my hands are itching to make it right. I started with my jewelry, all of my necklaces were tangled and impossible to see so I went to a fishing supply store and bought these terrific hook and lure organisers. The dividers can be taken out between sections and I have stored all of my necklaces and bracelets in two of these organisers. Pretty neat huh?

Anyhoo, my head is still spinning from the R word, any prayers you can send my way would be much appreciated.

love

K

5 Unexpected Side Affects of Transplant

It will be 4 weeks this Sunday since I received my gift of life and I thought I'd share with you my 5 Unexpected Side Affects of Transplant:

1. Even though I was told it would thin, the skin on my hands has become papery and crepe-like. And when I get my hands just the tiniest bit wet, my fingers and palms go pruney, gross.

2. From when I woke up after the transplant for the next week, my vision was blurred; to the extent that I couldn't read or watch television. That was apparently due to the high doses of steroids I was on and my sight is now back to normal.

3. My sounds have changed. From the way I belch (very lady like I assure you!) to the way I sneeze, it is all different now and I'm still getting used to it.

4. I've been feeling super creative since the transplant, I've been dreaming up paintings I can do, dresses I can make, you name it and I have an urge to make it. Weird.

5. I now sound like a cheap phone sex worker because my vocal chords were damaged a little during surgery. My voice is now raspy and gravelly but it will get back to normal eventually. And yes, that is hysterically funny all those who have suggested that I can now get a second job. Lol.

love
K

Just a Thought....................

Yesterday I was reading about Gestalt therapy as part of my counselling course and one line popped off the page into my consciousness: Try it and learn. How simple yet beautiful is that? Instead of the old 'try it and see' where there is a possibility of failure, try it and learn turns the whole thing on its head and opens up a world of possibilities. I believe that we are all on a journey and we are supposed to learn from our failures and successes along the way, so to me 'try it and learn' guarantees me success either way. To me it is a very freeing statement, like the expectation of success or failure are taken off my shoulders and instead I'm calmed and excited by the prospect of learning.

Can you think of ways to apply this to your life?

love

K

I'm Going Home!

Well I got word today that I can go home on Monday and I can't express how excited I am about it. The majority of the swelling has gone throughout my body, so Brad can no longer make funny faces with my fat knees! To 'test the waters' tonight Brad took me out to dinner. It was both scary and exciting but we had a great time eating mexican food. Then to make the night extra special for both of us we called into Brad's mecca, Bunnings, on the way home, lol.

After coming back here to the hospital I was invited to join in some girlie chat with some nurses on night duty here. Boy, I though my switch family and I could educate each other one some new words, but I learned a couple tonight that I will have to share when I get back to work.............lol.

Anyhoo, I'm now officially buggered. I've had 2 hours of physio today and dinner out so it's bed time for me.

love

K

14 Days Into My New Life Part 2

Monday14 May 2012 - Today I had a broncoscpy. This is a minor procedure where you are put under twilight sedation and a camera is passed through your mouth into your windpipe and the doctor checks to see how your new lungs are looking. This wasn't a big deal, just yuk because I had to fast from 6.00am that morning and the procedure wasn't until 1.00pm.


Tuesday 15 May 2012 - Today was pretty monumental, I walked outside for the first time in 2 weeks and my physio and I walked approximately 400m in the glorious sun. It was the first time I have been able to walk that far without becoming breathless in years, I was so happy that I cried. It was also huge in that I started wearing my own clothes again. Because I am so wobbly on my feet, it took me 15 minutes to get my hospital gown off and my pyjamas on, but I was determined and I got there in the end! My education as to what my life will now be like as a post-transplant patient started today. Additionally my main wound dressing was taken off. This was weird, I have no other large scars, so seeing my scar for the first time was quite confronting. In the afternoon my body started to retain fluid and I started to swell up all over.

Wednesday 16 May 2012 - Today my left arm started to swell, this is the arm with the picc line in it to deliver iv antibiotics. I had an ultrasound and they found some small clots around the line so the decision was made to remove the picc and put another central line in, which is a drip in my neck. I got my 4 sutures out of the bottom of my wound.


Thursday 17 May 2012 - Today I got the new central line it, its really sore but absolutely necessary.

Friday 18 May 2012 - Today I did 30 minutes on the exercise bike in my room and walked the corridors yet again. I get 2 hours of exercise a day and my physio Matty is terrific. When I first met him I told him that I am super keen and super motivated but I don't respond to yelling. He replied that that's ok, he's not much of a yeller anyway so we'll get on just fine. I was so relieved to hear this. The last thing I need is a drill Sergeant for a physio. I am so swollen all over, my belly is huge and covered in spots from the anti-blood clotting injections and insulin I have been taking.


Saturday 19 May 2012 - Today I did something pretty huge. Before you can be released from hospital after transplant you have to walk up the hill from the main entrance to the hospital up to the main building. This is a hoo-er of a hill and challenges the even the fittest. And I did it with Matty pushing my iv drip pole the whole way. I am really proud of this. My diet will adjust hugely and I can no longer eat any deli meat at all. Brad bought an assortment of sandwich meats for me to try :-)

Sunday 20 May 2012 - Today was pretty quiet with lots of reflection. I got new lungs 2 weeks ago today. What's in store for me next?


love

K